A mom is an irreplaceable person in a Man’s life. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a father’s boy. A mom and a dad have 2 different roles in a man’s life. A dad either helps make a man or he teaches a man what not to do. 

A Mom wipes our noses and our butts growing up. She changes diapers. She lulls us back to sleep and stays up late laying with us when we aren’t feeling well. They also force us to go to the emergency room when we have a life threatening infection but feels like we are being a “strong man” and “I don’t need a doctor.”

She tells us straight when we date a girl that isn’t right for us. She’s someone we can talk to about anything. The first time you get friendly with a woman, first time your heart is broken, when you break a collar bone or ankle doing the sports she warned you about. Or when you break into water parks to ride your BMX bike. 

A mom is also imperfect, Just like every other human. My mom wasn’t a Saint. She annoyed me the most out of just about anyone on the planet. 

A lot of life has happened since my mom passed away just after Thanksgiving. We’ve been thrust into a completely new, different life. I’ve been numb. 

It’s hard to describe how I feel. I’m angry. She died because she wasn’t healthy. She had diabetes that was 100% nutrition based. She was addicted to sugar. Whitney and I tried so hard for years to get to to change and to coach her. “You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink,” right? 😞

I’m sad. My heart is broken. My mom has always been there for me. She loved me unconditionally as a mom should love their child. 

I’m lost. I’ve always had her to just chat with. Really about anything. Thank God we got to play games and just have a great time with her her final week…

Through all this, I haven’t been able to properly work through the sudden trauma. I’ve taken it out on people. My coaching has suffered. I’ve either mailed it in on some days or I’ve pushed people too hard, even to the point of tears. To my CFC family, I am SORRY! You deserve better and I promise to be better, and try harder. You haven’t gotten a full me the past 2 months because I am broken. I love you guys and gals; I couldn’t imagine not having that community. 

I’ve shut people out, and closed off my feelings. I am Numb. I have failed as a husband, father, business owner, friend, grandson. I have hurt people close to me. I’ve hurt my wife. I closed her out. I didn’t talk or show emotion. All of that bottled up emotion poured out and because she is closest to me, she got the brunt of it. Whitney, you’re the love of my life. Period. There is no one I would rather spend this life with. The adventure and the day in and day out mundane. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry I took my anger out on you. You signed up for the best and worst of me and I know that. But you deserve the best of me and I feel like I’ve given you the worst. I’m sorry. 

Gabriel and Malachi. You’re my boys. I can’t even describe the love I have for you. You too have gotten the brunt. A very short temper and I expected you to be perfect and not mess up. You’re 9 and 2 and that amount of pressure is unrealistic for anyone. I’m the most imperfect and I hope this time doesn’t stay as a permanent memory into old age. I hope we can move on and I can be a picture of imperfect love as we grow together in life. I am also looking forward to living life with you, as you become Good young men. You’re my favorite Malachi and Gabriel. 

Thank you everyone for being patient with me. Thank you Whitney and my boys for still loving me. Thank you God for giving your imperfect son, Love, and Grace. I am so undeserving of it and yet you still keep showing up. You’re good. You’re peace. You’re Love. I love you and I ask you to keep showing up. I am not strong enough to do this but I know you are. 

Sincerely with love,

Nick